That Girl In The Mirror

Disgusting. Flabby. Gross. How did you let yourself get like this? You pick apart every part of your body finding flaws everywhere. It doesn't matter what other people say. When you look in the mirror this is what you see. 

Society today has come up with this ideal image that is nearly impossible to achieve. There are ads everywhere pointing out your flaws and telling you they can fix them. It's absolutely ridiculous. 

I think it is safe to say that everybody has their own body image problems from time to time. You feel bloated and don't like how a particular shirt fits you. You saw a picture someone tagged of you that was not the most flattering. Your jeans fit a little tighter than you would like. You aren't happy with your body. But you know you can't immediately change it so you move on with your day. 

Some people with an eating disorder don't suffer quite as much from poor body image. Or at least some claim not to. For me personally this has always been one of the hardest parts. 

Throughout the time I have had my eating disorder my weight has widely ranged. Sometimes I was very underweight. Other times I was decently overweight. A lot of the time I fell somewhere in the middle. It didn't matter what weight I was at, I absolutely hated the girl in mirror staring back at me. Most days, I still do. To look in the mirror and see yourself looking so disgusting and then have to get dressed and go about your day can be incredibly difficult. All you want to do is crawl back in bed and hide under the blankets where no one can see you. Or run around your apartment like a crazy woman in some lame attempt to get rid of all of that unwanted fat on your body. 

Other people will not understand this. Especially if you aren't overweight. But even then they will tell you, "You look beautiful you're overthinking it." "You have the best body....I wish I had your body." "You look fine, relax." People will think if you say anything hinting at your warped perception of your body that you are just looking for attention. Which is very frustrating because the last thing you want at that point is attention. People will tell you that you just have to believe what other people say. And they are right, you do, but that doesn't mean all of those horrible feelings that come along with looking in the mirror go away. They are still very much right there. And that little voice inside your head that points out your every flaw follows you around all day. Picking and nagging,  "Suck in your stomach. Stand up straight. Don't you dare think of eating, have you looked in the mirror lately?" 

I can't begin to tell you the number of events that I have missed because of how much I hated what I saw in the mirror that day. And not just social events. I've skipped class. Called in sick to work. All because I felt like a 500 pound whale that day. That's ridiculous. I know how incredibly stupid that is. But sometimes the shame and negative voices win, leaving me paralyzed to do anything but curl up in bed where I mentally beat myself up for missing whatever it is I'm missing. The mental scolding normally goes on to reach pretty much every aspect of my life. Not exactly a healthy way to spend the day. 

I have learned that on some days I have to avoid mirrors. Because I know the mindset I can so easily get into if I look to long. I also have started to do something that at first felt very strange. I started to thank God for giving me my body and for all of the amazing things that I can do with it. I may hate my legs, but with them I can dance. My arms can reach out to help other people. I found the more that I looked at what my body could do for me, the easier it was to hate it a little bit less. 

I also know that God made me. And God doesn't make mistakes. 

Beauty is fleeting. What is more important is the type of person you are. To have a beautiful soul is far greater than having the perfect body. (Some days I need to remind myself of this quite often.) So even when I don't like what I see in the mirror I can look at myself for the kind of person I am becoming. That helps me to feel a little bit more beautiful. 

So there are days when the mirror makes me feel unbeautiful. I know even as I recover from my eating disorder there will still be those days. But my worth does not come from my appearance. My true beauty comes from within. And the mirror has nothing on that.