This is one of the most frustrating parts about being bipolar. You finally start to feel like you are getting yourself into a good place and then all of a sudden you feel all of those good things and the progress you have made start sliding out of your grasp. You find yourself falling into the same black pit you just worked so hard to climb out of. It's like quicksand dragging you down and you are frantically reaching out to find something, anything to hold onto to keep you from going back in that hole. You know that you have the tools to get you out but your mind has become a little foggy and it's hard to remember what you need to be doing. The people around you get frustrated because they have seen this routine before. It's a vicious cycle and it needs to stop. You want it to stop. You want it to stop more than anything.
I was headed straight for that place a few weeks ago. I felt the switch turn. But for once instead of sinking into it and letting it control me, I got mad. I got really angry that this was happening right when all of the pieces of my life seemed to be falling into place. That darkness, had I not fought it, would have taken all of that away from me in one big swoop. I have worked entirely too hard to build myself up to this point to let that darkness win now. So I fought back.
One of the things I have learned along my journey is that if you are going to win the fight, you cannot be fighting alone. People aren't mind readers. They aren't going to know you need a team of warriors on your side unless you tell them. This for me is one of the hardest parts.
Lets take a minute to look at what the typical person's thoughts and feelings are when they find themselves in a bad place. You may have made a few mistakes that you were even warned to avoid making but you didn't listen so now here you are stuck in a kind of "I told you so" place. You grasp at straws hoping you'll find one sturdy enough to get you out of this mess before anyone realizes you are there. You quickly realize that's not going to happen. And soon that feeling of shame starts to sink in. And you are going to have to sit there with all your vulnerabilities on display for the world to see as someone helps you back up to your feet. It's not a fun place to be in. Nobody likes to admit their weaknesses.
For people who struggle with mental health issues it can seem like this is all you are doing. You start to feel like that person who always has something going on that is just a little too much for people who don't understand what it's like to live with a mental illness to want to deal with in their lives. People like people who are positive. They want to be able to go out with friends and forget about their stressful day and relax. You don't want to burden people with your stuff. You try to tell yourself you can fight this alone. But at some point you are going to have to set aside your pride and admit that you need people in your corner.
Once you have found those people who are going to be there fighting right beside you are going to have to start sharing some parts of you that you really would rather the world never see. You are going to have to tell on yourself, expose your weakest areas so those warriors beside you can have your back when the fight is too much for you to do alone. It sucks to admit to those things that you have tried so desperately to keep hidden from the world. Heck you tried to hide them from yourself and pretend they weren't there. But they don't go away by pretending they don't exist. So you share those ugly thoughts, those self destructing habits, you tell the people around you what you once swore no one would ever know. Because then those thoughts and those behaviors start to lose some of their power. Now you can fight them on a much evener playing ground. Sometimes you will win. Sometimes they will win. But somewhere along the line you start winning more. Those warriors you had gotten to fight along side you and sometimes for you, have now become your cheerleaders as you gain strength you never realized you had. You start to feel proud of yourself for fighting back instead of sinking in.
That darkness does come back every now and then. Sometimes it tries to show up a lot. And each time you have to make the choice. Am I going to let this define me or am I going to fight back? I once thought I could never be the person that could fight back. I got mad at people who told me I should be fighting back. I felt like I was fighting. And in truth I was. My fight then was that I just kept surviving. That I made it from one day to the next. At that time, that was me giving 100% of my effort into holding back that darkness. I pray that I never end up that deep in the darkness again. I wake up every day and make the decision that today I'm going to fight. It's going to mean letting people see the messy, broken sides of me. As I have shared, so many people have in turn shown me their own messy, broken sides. We all have our demons that we fight with. It is only by embracing each other that we can fully conquer them.
So I challenge everyone who reads this (I'm not sure all that many people do lol) to expose some of your messy, broken pieces to someone you trust. Ask for help on some bad habit you want to break or something you have been struggling with. See what it is that they have been dealing with. Ask them what's going on in their lives and be prepared to really listen. To encourage. To bring hope. To shine some light into the darkness of their mind. Because if we want to be successful we have to be in this together.
I was headed straight for that place a few weeks ago. I felt the switch turn. But for once instead of sinking into it and letting it control me, I got mad. I got really angry that this was happening right when all of the pieces of my life seemed to be falling into place. That darkness, had I not fought it, would have taken all of that away from me in one big swoop. I have worked entirely too hard to build myself up to this point to let that darkness win now. So I fought back.
One of the things I have learned along my journey is that if you are going to win the fight, you cannot be fighting alone. People aren't mind readers. They aren't going to know you need a team of warriors on your side unless you tell them. This for me is one of the hardest parts.
Lets take a minute to look at what the typical person's thoughts and feelings are when they find themselves in a bad place. You may have made a few mistakes that you were even warned to avoid making but you didn't listen so now here you are stuck in a kind of "I told you so" place. You grasp at straws hoping you'll find one sturdy enough to get you out of this mess before anyone realizes you are there. You quickly realize that's not going to happen. And soon that feeling of shame starts to sink in. And you are going to have to sit there with all your vulnerabilities on display for the world to see as someone helps you back up to your feet. It's not a fun place to be in. Nobody likes to admit their weaknesses.
For people who struggle with mental health issues it can seem like this is all you are doing. You start to feel like that person who always has something going on that is just a little too much for people who don't understand what it's like to live with a mental illness to want to deal with in their lives. People like people who are positive. They want to be able to go out with friends and forget about their stressful day and relax. You don't want to burden people with your stuff. You try to tell yourself you can fight this alone. But at some point you are going to have to set aside your pride and admit that you need people in your corner.
Once you have found those people who are going to be there fighting right beside you are going to have to start sharing some parts of you that you really would rather the world never see. You are going to have to tell on yourself, expose your weakest areas so those warriors beside you can have your back when the fight is too much for you to do alone. It sucks to admit to those things that you have tried so desperately to keep hidden from the world. Heck you tried to hide them from yourself and pretend they weren't there. But they don't go away by pretending they don't exist. So you share those ugly thoughts, those self destructing habits, you tell the people around you what you once swore no one would ever know. Because then those thoughts and those behaviors start to lose some of their power. Now you can fight them on a much evener playing ground. Sometimes you will win. Sometimes they will win. But somewhere along the line you start winning more. Those warriors you had gotten to fight along side you and sometimes for you, have now become your cheerleaders as you gain strength you never realized you had. You start to feel proud of yourself for fighting back instead of sinking in.
That darkness does come back every now and then. Sometimes it tries to show up a lot. And each time you have to make the choice. Am I going to let this define me or am I going to fight back? I once thought I could never be the person that could fight back. I got mad at people who told me I should be fighting back. I felt like I was fighting. And in truth I was. My fight then was that I just kept surviving. That I made it from one day to the next. At that time, that was me giving 100% of my effort into holding back that darkness. I pray that I never end up that deep in the darkness again. I wake up every day and make the decision that today I'm going to fight. It's going to mean letting people see the messy, broken sides of me. As I have shared, so many people have in turn shown me their own messy, broken sides. We all have our demons that we fight with. It is only by embracing each other that we can fully conquer them.
So I challenge everyone who reads this (I'm not sure all that many people do lol) to expose some of your messy, broken pieces to someone you trust. Ask for help on some bad habit you want to break or something you have been struggling with. See what it is that they have been dealing with. Ask them what's going on in their lives and be prepared to really listen. To encourage. To bring hope. To shine some light into the darkness of their mind. Because if we want to be successful we have to be in this together.
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