This is exactly what God is doing in my life right now and I feel so blessed to be able to see how all I have gone through is going to give me the courage, strength, and empathy I need to be able to help others who may be struggling with similar things.
While I am doing that I also am constantly reminded of the grace God gives me every day. This past month and half has been a real struggle for me. I started getting manic and instead of trying to do it alone I asked for help and found so many people who were there for me. Things got back to normal and I thought everything was going really good. Then somehow I started getting more depressed without really realizing I was. I can now recognize that I have a much harder time asking for help when I am depressed than when I am getting manic. I'm not sure what it is exactly. Maybe it is easier to recognize there is a problem when I find myself not sleeping for 3-4 days and still having lots of energy, compared to not wanting to get out of bed, not wanting to even watch my favorite TV shows, having no motivation for life in general. I think it is hard because it sneaks up on me so quickly. One day I will be great then the next I just wish I could disappear. Which is obviously not ok. But I tend to not ask for help during those times. Maybe it is because simply getting out of bed feels like a chore and so I do what I have to do to get by and that takes all of my energy. There's nothing left to ask for help. Thankfully I have some pretty awesome friends who start to notice when I check out and start asking questions. When people start asking me what is going on it's a reminder to me that something is off. Then I can start talking about it with some people I trust and get back in to see my psychiatrist and adjust meds as necessary. For some reason my mind still likes to associate depression as something I can talk myself out of, which is really not the case. I have to humble myself to recognize that I can't fix this on my own and it is ok to accept help from other people. God has given me so much grace this past month and a half and I am so grateful for that. I am finally starting to learn how to deal with things better than I have in the past and for that I am so thankful that God has given me the wisdom I need to be able to do this. And the support of people I have received lately has been more than I could have ever hoped for. I asked God for one person and He gave me several. I know I am going to continue to make mistakes and this is going to be a learning process. But I am so thankful to know that no matter what happens His amazing grace will always be there for me.
Through Him I continue to grow stronger. And I hope that by me sharing my story, it helps someone else to know that they are not alone in this fight. There are people who understand what they are going through. And that if we lean on each other and on Jesus that we will not only get through this, we will become strong, encouraging, fierce people who can make a difference in this world.
One thing I like to do when I am having a hard day is look at positive quotes. It can help motivate me and remind me that this too shall pass. So I thought I would share some of my favorites.
Some of these are not as much positive/inspirational but more reminders of how to treat ourselves and how we should allow others to treat us.
I love this one. It is such a good way to look at life. I have definitely learned that time is so valuable. Especially when it comes to the people we love. You never know what tomorrow, or even the next minute will bring. When I read this it reminds me to treat everyone with kindness and compassion. To not get caught up in my own daily schedule and not make the time for the people I care about. So often it is easy to get busy with work, school, and kids (for those of you who have them) that we tell ourselves we will make time to catch up with that person another day. We will check in and say hi to that friend later. But before you know it later has become days, weeks, months, or even years. Friendships start to grow more distant. I am guilty of doing this. Especially when I am struggling a lot with my eating disorder or issues that come along with being bipolar it is very easy for me to isolate myself and not pay attention to the people I care about. I have had one of my best friends pass away and one thing that bothers me is I was very caught up in my eating disorder and other problems the little time I knew her. I wish I could go back and be less focused on myself and enjoy the time I had with her more and pay more attention to what was going on in her life. Obviously I can't do that but what I can do is make the effort to be the friend/sister/daughter that I want to be now.
Another thing this makes me think about is how I have so many goals for things I want to accomplish in my life yet when I really think about it, I'm not doing everything I could to reach them. There are so many times I am sitting around being lazy and then later complain to myself about how I am not any closer to accomplishing what I want. Don't get me wrong, everyone needs some lazy time to relax and unwind. But I think I can use less of that and more time working towards my goals. I know I put things off because they seem overwhelming and I don't know where to even start. Looking at the whole big picture it is overwhelming because there is so much to do. So instead I am going to start breaking it down. I am going to choose 3-4 goals that I want to achieve and every day do 3-5 things that work towards accomplishing that goal. I am going to start a notebook and keep track of it to help hold myself accountable. I figure that is one way I can start using my time more wisely.
When I first read this I blew it off. I thought that I was going to be whoever I wanted to be regardless of who I spent my time with. But like it or not we do tend to act like the people we around the most. When I was hanging out with people who partied every night drinking and using drugs it didn't matter if I partook in the activities or not, I found myself thinking that certain behaviors were ok and even normal. It wasn't until I distanced myself from them that I realized how different I had been acting when I was with them. Some of my values had been slightly ignored or more I was making exceptions for things that I really never should have. Since then I have noticed that when I hang out with someone who complains a lot, I am more likely to do so and when I hang out with people who are constantly pointing out the good in life I am more likely to do that as well. When I was spending time with people who partied a lot I was at a place in my life where I wasn't very confident in myself and I think that led me to change the way I acted depending on the people I was around in order to feel like I fit in. That is a very dangerous thing to do and not a good way to live. Now I am much stronger and know who I am so I can be around all different types of people and it doesn't affect who I am as person. Although I do believe that is good to surround yourself with people that you want to be like. People who bring out the best in you and help you grow as a person. It's ok to spend time with other people too but you should make the first group of people the people you are around the most.
This one makes me smile. :) Some of the most wonderful people I have met have gone through hell and back. They know what it's like to struggle. They have felt pain and suffering. They know how unfair life can be and I think because of that they treat others with a type of compassion that is indescribable. I am so incredibly lucky to have so many beautiful people in my life. :)
Oh how true this is. You can say you mean something all you want but if your behavior contradicts that, your words mean nothing. Life is all about how we act towards other people, towards the environment, towards everything. You can believe in something all you want but if you are just talking the talk and not walking the walk, your beliefs don't mean a thing. "How can you show me your faith if you don't have good deeds? I will show you my faith by my good deeds." (James 2:18) The whole book of James is a great place to read more about this. He talks bluntly about how it is not enough to just say we are a Christian and we believe in God, instead we must live our lives in a way that proves this to be true. My church (The Crossing) did an amazing series on this called rooted.
Here is a link to the website where you can watch it if you are interested. I would highly recommend it. Rooted was one of our best series. :)
This is something I am working on. I can be pretty mean to myself. I know if I treated someone else the way I treat myself they would NOT want to be my friend. So I'm working on being nicer to myself. I'm getting there. Slowly but it's happening which is good enough for me right now.
This is something that I am recently dealing with. A friendship that I thought would last forever has recently come to an end and it has been really hard. There are many things that I did to cause this but there are also a lot of things on the other end as well. As much as I still love this person I have realized that right now they cannot be a part of my life. Which makes me really sad because I truly care about this person. But I need to look out for myself too and right now that means us being apart. Maybe after some time has gone by we will be friends again but for now I know that God has put this person out of my life for a reason.
My favorite part of this one is love like hearts cannot break. So often we keep ourselves so guarded because we have been hurt in the past. And that can be smart, to an extent. Personally I like loving with all I've got. I am very good at doing this with friends and family. A little less so in relationships. So that is one I will have to work on if I ever meet someone. Or ya know I may be single forever. LOL I'm hoping that's not the case though.
Wonderful song! Listen below!
We all have things we are afraid of. But we can't let fear hold us back. Somehow we find the courage to do the things that scare us. I pray for courage everyday. To do the hard things that I don't want to do but have to do. God is good and has never let me down. Without Him I wouldn't be able to face my fears. But with Him, I can face anything.
I like to try to be a positive person but there are a few things lately that are really irritating me that I wanted to talk about.
First, MENTAL ILLNESSES ARE NOT ADJECTIVES!! PLEASE STOP USING THEM AS SUCH.
When people do this several things can happen for someone who actually struggles with one of these things. The person can feel ashamed of having that diagnosis because people throw the labels around and a negative connotation is attached to it. It can make people very misunderstood because 99% of the time the way it is being used has actually nothing to do with what having the mental disorder is really like. I really wish people would educate themselves on what these disorders really are and how it effects someone's life when they have it. Maybe then they would stop throwing these words around like they are no big deal. Because they are a big deal. While our mental disorders in no way define who we are as a person, they still are part of us. And we didn't exactly choose to have them, so while we are dealing with it some understanding would be very helpful. I found this picture which is talking about if we treated physical illnesses the way we treat psychiatric illnesses how ridiculous it would sound.
You would never say those things to those people. But somehow when it comes to mental illness people think it is ok to say things like this. It's not. All you are doing is hurting the person and making the situation worse. I know mental illness is hard to understand for people who don't struggle with it or who have not seen the struggle first hand. Please try to keep in mind that this is not something we can simply "make ourselves think differently about" and it all goes away. If it were that easy don't you think we all would have done that by now??
Also to add to my rant of the day is how much I hate the commercials on the radio for diet pills, weight loss supplements, and so on. I feel like every time I turn on the radio someone is telling me that I need to look a certain way in order to be liked. I need to be thin, have smooth skin, wear cute clothes. The list could go on and on and on. What happened to celebrating people's personalities? What if we made our focus be on how we lived our life and treated other people instead of how we looked, what kind of car we drive, and where we live? What kind of message are we sending to kids that are growing up right now? Our focus as a society is in the wrong place. We need to be doing everything we can to set it on the right track.
Don't get me wrong, I know I am guilty of being judgmental and I will admit I do like having nice things. But I honestly try not to judge anyone I don't really know, and not to make material items the center point of my life. A few years ago I stopped reading most magazines because I didn't want to see the airbrushed images and messages telling me what I needed to do to look "beautiful." Instead I tried focusing on the fact that God made me the way I am for a reason. And yes I like to wear makeup and dress cute, but what I look like shouldn't matter to other people. It should be what is in my heart that counts. I know that I am ok with who I am. (Most days at least, I still have some bad days too, but progress not perfection right?) It has taken me a long time to get to where I am now. I just hope that for anyone struggling with any kind of mental illnesses that they know it is possible to get to a place where you start to like yourself and can be proud of all you have been through. There is a place where you find peace. Things will still happen and you will have to deal with them. (I just went through a manic episode but I was able to handle it with much more grace than I have in the past.) Overall I think this says it best:
"This world needs God, but it's easier to stand and watch I could say a prayer and just move on like nothin's wrong But I refuse cause I don't wanna live like I don't care I don't wanna say another empty prayer Oh I refuse, to sit around and wait for someone else To do what God has called me to do myself Oh I could choose not to move but I refuse"
Everyday we make choices in our life. We choose what time we wake up, what we eat, what we do with our day. There are little small things that people do that can make a world of a difference in someone else's life. I think this video captures it perfectly.
There is so much hope and joy in this world to be spread around to everyone. I love helping other people. I don't care how I do it I just really enjoy doing it. Lately I have not been doing it as much because I let myself get caught up in my own problems. I forget how good it feels to really be able to help someone out and feel like you are making a difference in their lives. And it makes me take care of myself better when I am doing these things. Like I know if I am going to be doing outreach work with my amazing church The Crossing I know I have to make myself eat something so I have energy to be able to contribute my fair share to the group. I am kind of in a weird place right now with my eating disorder. And I just had a slightly manic episode but meds are fixed and things are evening out now. I'm starting a new job. I feel like things are really going well for me lately. God just keeps blessing me with the people I need for support and He has gotten me through a sort of roller coaster of a month. Now that I am finally feeling like I am on more solid ground I think I will be able to do so much more than I can even imagine right now. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me.
For most people holidays are a time to get together with the people you love most and celebrate. For someone with an eating disorder holidays bring on a tremendous amount of stress. People celebrate holidays, events, promotions, birthdays, and the simple act of getting a group of loved ones together with food and drink. I wish I could be as carefree as the people I am with and be able to enjoy their company rather than focus on what I am eating. I believe that one day I will get to that point and I look forward to being able to appreciate the holidays fully.
Most holidays and events revolve around food. If you know someone is struggling with an eating disorder one thing that can make them feel more comfortable is to place the focus on something else. Games are a fantastic way to do this. Some of my favs are cornhole, giant jenga, spoons and if you have a smartphone the app headsup is fantastic!
There are several different stages of eating disorder recovery. Each person is going to have different foods that are comfortable to them or they need to be eating to fill a meal plan. For someone who is struggling with an ED but is not yet ready to work on recovery the holidays or some big event is really not the best time to talk to them about it. When people did this to me it was difficult because even though I knew they were coming from a good place, pushing food on someone can be really stressful. A lot of the times I would feel like I needed to eat what they wanted me to eat, even when I wasn't comfortable with it, and then I would end up purging later on. I found it much easier to eat and even enjoy myself when people weren't making comments on what I was eating. I know people watch, and if you want to talk about it with a person you should. There is a time and place to bring that sort of thing up and during meals or family and friends getting together is not it.
Part of being in recovery is following a meal plan. What this meal plan entails varies for each individual. Sticking to that meal plan as much as possible during the holiday or event is very important for someone in recovery. Eventually things won't need to be as rigid as they are but in this stage your meal plan is your safety zone. Sometimes the person is required to eat a lot of food. His or Her treatment team has a reason for how much that person is required to eat. Commenting on how much the person is eating is humiliating, and will be a trigger for them to use behaviors.
Sometimes a person may want someone to help hold them accountable. This can be a tricky role to fill. For me, when I ask that someone help hold me accountable this is what I am looking for. I want to make sure that someone knows this is going to be a difficult meal. Knowing that I have let someone in on what's going on will help me to do what I need to do. I try to make it specific what my goal is if I am going to ask someone this. That way they know what I feel comfortable with. That being said, just because I ask you to hold me accountable does not mean I want you to be checking in with me every five minutes. I don't need you to point food out to me and if I decide to eat a little more I don't want you to assume I am now binging and plan to purge. Now if I am going way over what I said I was comfortable with then would be a good time to pull me aside and say something. Very rarely
do I binge if I have asked someone to hold me accountable. I would also tell the person things I might do if I am getting really anxious about it. That way they can help distract me when they notice those behaviors.
I know it is frustrating to watch someone you love struggle with an eating disorder. It is especially hard when it interferes with how a holiday or event would normally be. Please be patient and know we are trying our best. Take the focus off of food and try to enjoy each other's company in other ways. Maybe you will start some new traditions for the holidays to come.
