Completely Surrendering

I'm feeling so small I'm standing here weeping as I'm coming clean of the secrets I'm keeping cause I've caused so much pain to the ones I love most and I'm falling apart as I carry my heart to Your throne I am completely surrendering finally giving You everything You're my Redeemer I run to the cross because You are more than enough Lord, complete me cause I'm Yours completely

These lyrics from the song "Completely" by Among the Thirsty perfectly describe where I am with my life right now.

If there is anyone who actually follows this blog, you would have noticed that for the past few months I have gone silent. I left things looking like my life had fallen into place and I was on the road to recovery. The life I described was what I was longing for and I tried so desparately to live up to it. I finally had everything in place, a great job, I was back in school, I had good friends surrounding me. Everything was perfect. Except it wasn't.

My eating disorder had full control of my life. It was there but not in the obvious ways people are accustomed to seeing eating disorders as. There was this constant voice in my head reminding me of what a complete and utter failure I was. I wasn't being "good" at having an eating disorder because my weight was higher than I would normally be ok with. If I really wanted to lose weight I knew how to do it, and quite frankly what I was doing wasn't working. So what was I doing?

I was eating semi-normal some days. Restricting some days. Binging and purging other days. I was juggling a lot of balls at once. I couldn't tell you when the last time I actually made myself a real meal was. I was doing a dance somewhere between recovery and eating disorder and I made it look like everything was alright. No one knew the war that was going on in my head underneath all the makeshift lies of a happy life.

I would tear myself apart, criticizing everything about myself. Except it wasn't just the way I looked, it was how I acted, what I achieved or had not achieved, it became about who I was as a person. And the answer was obvious. I was not good enough,I was a failure, a disappointment. Every day I would pick apart all of the things that I had failed to do and think about what I could have done if only I had tried harder.

I became very suicidal. I had thought that I would never let myself fall into that trapped way of thinking again. I knew that God had a bigger plan for me, I knew how much it would hurt those who love me and I had sworn to myself that if I was ever that deep into it I would check myself into a place so meds could be adjusted and I could return safely back to my life. Instead I was involuntarily held in a hospital for 72 hours which I know saved my life. I was left ashamed of how I landed myself in that predicament which is something I am starting to make moves to amend.

After I got released from the hospital I retreated into bedroom and stayed there buried underneath the covers snuggling with my fabulous dog Patches,

wishing the world would disappear. Thankfully I have some pretty amazing friends and family who have really helped to pull me through those dark days. With some changes in my meds I am finally feeling the fog begin to slowly lift itself from me.

As the mist clears I am seeing what allowed the depression to grow into the dark cloud that it was. For instance, when I was deep into my depression, I did not seek out God. Rather I hid ashamed of what I had become. Instead of leaning on his grace and mercy I questioned my faith. I knew I was hanging onto the eating disorder and not surrendering that to Him. I had no logical reason of doing so and knowing that made it even more frustrating that I wouldn't just let it go. I had given Him everything else in my life but that, I wanted to keep as my own.

As I write this today there is still that little part of me that wants to hold on. Why? I don't know. It's been a part of me so long I don't know what I would be without it. It has been my safety net, my go to thing when the world wasn't working out right. And for what? It drained me of what makes me me. It fed me lies and cut me down every chance it had. More importantly I started to drown out the voice of my Creator, the one that was saying that "I am made in His image." (Gen 1:27). I wasn't hearing that I am worthy and loved by the King of all kings because I was too busy listening to the lies the eating disorder told me instead.

Starting in January I will be checking myself into a residential program here in St. Louis so I can finally start taking back the life that is mine. I know it is going to be hard work, I'm not always going to feel so positive about it, but I have decided to put my foot down, to kill the lizzard once and for all. (C. S. Lewis "The Great Divorce reference there.) I have spent far too long listening to the wrong voice inside of my head that would tear me apart any chance that it got. At my church this weekend my pastor Greg Holder reminded me of the line "You're not the boss of me." So that is what I am going to say to the eating disorder voice. Instead will I choose to listen to the word of God.

Psm. 139.14

I leave you with another lyric, this one from "Whom Shall I Fear" by Chris Tomlin:

And nothing formed against me shall stand
You hold the whole world in Your hands
I'm holding on to Your promises
You are faithful
You are faithful

I know who goes before me
I know who stands behind
The God of angel armies is always by my side
The One who reigns forever
He is a friend of mine
The God of angel armies is always by my side

If you want to listen to the above songs here they are: