"You're just having a bad day." "You just need to get out and do something." "You'll feel better if you do something productive." "You just need to think positive thoughts." "You choose if you are happy or not."
I have been told all of these things countless times. And each time I hear it I want to scream at the person saying it to me. Part of being bipolar means struggling with depression. Yes medication can help, but it doesn't always. I cannot tell you how many people have told me, "Everyone gets a little depressed sometimes, I get it." With all do respect, that statement is completely wrong and kind of insulting to those of who do actually really struggle with this. I agree that everyone goes through times in their life where they aren't as happy as they normally are but that does not mean that they are experiencing depression.
For me depression seems to sneak up like a slow fog rolling in. At first its light, you notice it and it can be slightly annoying but doesn't really keep you from being able to go about your day. It starts to get heavier and then before you know it it's like you're in the middle of this cloud and can't see an inch from your face. You keep thinking about how everything was fine a minute ago and now you are stuck in this muck. It feels like world is closing in on you and you can't breathe.
Depression for me can vary in how I feel it. I have had times of complete hopelessness. I didn't have energy to do anything. All I wanted to do was stay curled up in my bed. To do anything else, even the simplest of things was exhausting. I have had times when negative thinking took over. I felt ashamed of myself for being so unproductive but was unable to focus. My body physically hurt. My chest would feel tight; at times it literally hurt to breathe. I wanted to get out of my body, out of my head, even if only for a minute.
Before I was properly diagnosed with bipolar I was being treated for major depression. Antidepressants when taken alone by someone who is bipolar can actually make things worse instead of better. At first whatever medication they put me on would work great. But then all of a sudden I would just crash into a horrible state of depression. I got frustrated because I tried so many different antidepressants and they all did this. I started to feel like I would never really be happy. The good times were fantastic, I felt like I was on top of the world, but it always followed with a horrible low. I started to learn that the better the highs were, the harder fall would be. And before I was placed on the correct meds, the fall seemed inevitable. That was really defeating to me, that no matter what I did, I was bound to have periods, sometimes lasting months, of this horrible depression. I am so grateful now to be on the right medications where this doesn't happen anymore.
Sometimes when I am depressed I don't even recognize it at first. I just start to feel numb to everything. It's like nothing is really wrong, but nothing is really right either. I can recognize that it is taking extra energy to do my every day routine, but at this point I still usually participate in most of my activities. I may blow off a bible study session, or choose to stay in a little more rather than hanging out with my friends all the time, but I am still going to work. Keeping a little bit of a social life. Then it just starts sucking me in. Where everything seems like such a chore to do. There has been more than one occasion that I have realized I had been just sitting on my couch in complete silence staring into space for decent chunks of time because even the thought of watching what is usually one of my favorite tv shows sounded annoying to me. When I get to that point I usually spend all of my time not working sleeping or just laying in my bed.
I'm not always good at asking for help when I am depressed either. Most of the time I feel like I am being a burden on whoever I go to. I have been embarrassed to admit that I was struggling, even to my psychiatrist because I felt like I 'should' be fine. Over the past couple of years I have grown to accept that I can't always help myself. I have learned there is no shame in asking for help. And it is vital to be honest with my psychiatrist because if I am, then I can actually get the help I need to be back to my normal self again.
I think for so long I wasn't diagnosed properly and so nothing my psychiatrists at the time did actually helped. Then I had a psychiatrist that wanted to completely switch what meds I was on instead of playing around with dosages every time I came to him and told him, "hey I 'm starting to feel really depressed." or he thought I was getting more manic. I really, really dislike switching around meds. They all have some weird side effects and you have to do the whole decrease your old medication while adding in the new medication thing. It takes forever and is mentally and physically draining. All of that led me to have a distrust with psychiatrists. Luckily I have found an amazing one who understands both the eating disorder and the bipolar and works with both of these. It took me awhile to trust her completely but now that I am able to I am so grateful for her. She doesn't do crazy things with my meds and she listens to what I have to say. Our sessions are always a minimum of thirty minutes which I really like because it gives her time to actually find out about different aspects of my life. Other psychiatrists I have seen would sometimes only have eight to ten minute sessions with me. That doesn't really give someone a good idea of what is going on in my life and yet they were responsible for the medications that I needed to make my mind function properly. I know after you have built up a relationship psychiatrist long sessions aren't always needed. I know some people prefer the whole yep this is working for me so lets get a refill and I leave type thing but I appreciate the fact that if I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a couple of months she takes the time to ask me about different things going on in my life. It helps to bring up things that I wouldn't think to bring up, or have wanted to mention but forgot about.
Depression is a vicious, ugly monster to deal with. For those who have never experienced it I ask that you please be patient with people who are going through it. For those who are struggling with depression please, please remember to never give up. No matter how awful things may seem in time they will get better. I know that is hard to believe when you are in the thick of it; there were certainly times when I got angry at someone for telling me that, thinking they didn't understand how bad things were and how no matter what I did it kept circling back to that, so no, for me things were not going to get better. Thankfully I was very wrong in believing that. Things did get better, better than I would have ever dreamed possible. The one thing that kept me hanging on through all of my hard times was my faith in God. Somehow He always pulled me through it.
Before I was properly diagnosed with bipolar I was being treated for major depression. Antidepressants when taken alone by someone who is bipolar can actually make things worse instead of better. At first whatever medication they put me on would work great. But then all of a sudden I would just crash into a horrible state of depression. I got frustrated because I tried so many different antidepressants and they all did this. I started to feel like I would never really be happy. The good times were fantastic, I felt like I was on top of the world, but it always followed with a horrible low. I started to learn that the better the highs were, the harder fall would be. And before I was placed on the correct meds, the fall seemed inevitable. That was really defeating to me, that no matter what I did, I was bound to have periods, sometimes lasting months, of this horrible depression. I am so grateful now to be on the right medications where this doesn't happen anymore.
Sometimes when I am depressed I don't even recognize it at first. I just start to feel numb to everything. It's like nothing is really wrong, but nothing is really right either. I can recognize that it is taking extra energy to do my every day routine, but at this point I still usually participate in most of my activities. I may blow off a bible study session, or choose to stay in a little more rather than hanging out with my friends all the time, but I am still going to work. Keeping a little bit of a social life. Then it just starts sucking me in. Where everything seems like such a chore to do. There has been more than one occasion that I have realized I had been just sitting on my couch in complete silence staring into space for decent chunks of time because even the thought of watching what is usually one of my favorite tv shows sounded annoying to me. When I get to that point I usually spend all of my time not working sleeping or just laying in my bed.
I'm not always good at asking for help when I am depressed either. Most of the time I feel like I am being a burden on whoever I go to. I have been embarrassed to admit that I was struggling, even to my psychiatrist because I felt like I 'should' be fine. Over the past couple of years I have grown to accept that I can't always help myself. I have learned there is no shame in asking for help. And it is vital to be honest with my psychiatrist because if I am, then I can actually get the help I need to be back to my normal self again.
I think for so long I wasn't diagnosed properly and so nothing my psychiatrists at the time did actually helped. Then I had a psychiatrist that wanted to completely switch what meds I was on instead of playing around with dosages every time I came to him and told him, "hey I 'm starting to feel really depressed." or he thought I was getting more manic. I really, really dislike switching around meds. They all have some weird side effects and you have to do the whole decrease your old medication while adding in the new medication thing. It takes forever and is mentally and physically draining. All of that led me to have a distrust with psychiatrists. Luckily I have found an amazing one who understands both the eating disorder and the bipolar and works with both of these. It took me awhile to trust her completely but now that I am able to I am so grateful for her. She doesn't do crazy things with my meds and she listens to what I have to say. Our sessions are always a minimum of thirty minutes which I really like because it gives her time to actually find out about different aspects of my life. Other psychiatrists I have seen would sometimes only have eight to ten minute sessions with me. That doesn't really give someone a good idea of what is going on in my life and yet they were responsible for the medications that I needed to make my mind function properly. I know after you have built up a relationship psychiatrist long sessions aren't always needed. I know some people prefer the whole yep this is working for me so lets get a refill and I leave type thing but I appreciate the fact that if I haven't seen my psychiatrist in a couple of months she takes the time to ask me about different things going on in my life. It helps to bring up things that I wouldn't think to bring up, or have wanted to mention but forgot about.
Depression is a vicious, ugly monster to deal with. For those who have never experienced it I ask that you please be patient with people who are going through it. For those who are struggling with depression please, please remember to never give up. No matter how awful things may seem in time they will get better. I know that is hard to believe when you are in the thick of it; there were certainly times when I got angry at someone for telling me that, thinking they didn't understand how bad things were and how no matter what I did it kept circling back to that, so no, for me things were not going to get better. Thankfully I was very wrong in believing that. Things did get better, better than I would have ever dreamed possible. The one thing that kept me hanging on through all of my hard times was my faith in God. Somehow He always pulled me through it.
There were countless nights I laid in bed apologizing over and over for whatever I did that made me deserve to feel like this. I begged God to take it away, if only for a minute, just to give me some relief. There were times He did and times He didn't. At the time I couldn't see a reason God would allow me to be in this misery. Now I can see that it made me a stronger person. I am more empathetic and compassionate. I am more resilient to trivial things. And best of all I can use my past to hopefully help others who are going through the same thing.
Depression is a hideous beast but it can be overcome. Never give up hope. Keep fighting. I promise you it's worth it.
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