I have not put out a post in awhile. I would sit down knowing what I wanted the finished post to look like but just had a mental block on how to actually get there. For the past month or so I've been in a bit of a funk. One that in the past could start a season of poor choices and behaviors that not only hurt me but the ones around me. It's not a fun place to be. Knowing that you are on a path of self destruction but having so many things tugging at you from different directions that you can't stop it from happening.
When I look back over the past month I know exactly when things started going wrong. When I stopped making God be the center of my life. That doesn't happen overnight, I didn't say, "God I'm just going to do this on my own for awhile, I'll catch up with you later." Looking back I may not have come out and actually said that, but my actions did a pretty good job of speaking for themselves. It started out with missing a bible study to go to work instead. Then I decided to sleep in and watch the service online instead of going to church. I put off reading my bible for a day. Or two. Or three. I drifted. I let the daily grind keep me busy and got caught up in the messiness of life. And let me tell you something, you do not want to be caught up in the messiness of life without God. At least I don't. Casting Crowns describes it beautifully in their song "East to West"
"I start the day, the war begins, endless reminding of my sin
Time and time again Your truth is drowned out by the storm I'm in
Today I feel like I'm just one mistake away from You leaving me this way
I know You've washed me white, turned my darkness into light
I need Your peace to get me through, to get me through this night
I can't live by what I feel but by the truth Your word reveals
I'm not holding onto You, but You're holding onto me"
I am so grateful for a God that holds onto me even when I start to drift away. I am so thankful that mercy and grace covers me. So now I lift my gaze upwards and stand up strong. I start living in a way that includes Jesus in every detail of my life. And I trust that He will give me the strength I need and the wisdom to know which direction to take. I know it's not always going to be easy. But I know it is going to bring me joy that I cannot even imagine. I know I may stumble off the path again. But each time I find my way back quicker than the time before. No one walks the path perfectly, that's just a fact of life. But I know when I know when I drift into the darkness He will always be there holding onto me. And waiting for me to find my way home.
